Today, People Magazine released the news. To no one’s surprise (but everyone’s delight) the TABCATS’ Mustache Man is People’s Sexiest Man Alive, 2025.
Mustache Man has been stealing hearts from stage-right-and-front of the TABCATS tenor section for years, conference after conference, but his reach has spread across all of America. His runner-up, Glenn Powell, contacted the Alternate Universe, saying: “I wanted to make sure the headlining newspaper printed my response. I would rather shave my head than have cheated such a man out of this award. I view it as an honor to share a podium with Mustache Man. He deserves this award more than I ever will.” Likewise, last year’s winner, John Krasinski, said he’d “never agreed with People before now.”
Harriet Builder, the president of BYU’s official Mustache Man Fan Club for the Promotion of Facial Hair, was jubilant. “I was worried he’d be cheated by some nobody actor, like Timothee Chalamet or something. I’m so glad People made the right choice this time.”
When we contacted Mustache Man himself, he was a glowing embodiment of humility and charisma. “I couldn’t believe it,” he laughed, not noticing a small group of people outside his window, taking a selfie with him in the background. “I feel so honored. I would never have seen this coming.”
But the rest of us unerringly did. Who else could People Magazine dare to give this award to? The Mustache Man from the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square is an unparalleled national phenomenon, a luminary, a beacon in the midst of celebrity culture.
While soft instrumental hymns played over the screaming of fans outside, Mustache Man smiled. “I hope that my winning this award inspires the next generation,” he said, a subtle shine in his eyes revealing his profound emotion.
“To do what?” I asked him.
“To grow mustaches of their own,” he replied, brushing a finger over his prize-winning, world-changing stache. “To follow their dreams inexhaustibly.”
To Mustache Man (and to the whole world), that’s what his mustache represents. It is the symbol of our aspirations and the courage to pursue them.
We at the Alternate Universe declare that we, too, recognize Mustache Man as the Sexiest Man Alive, but more than that, as the blinding, dazzling star that grants us joy amidst the darkness of our inane lives.