With a recent rise in diabetes cases on BYU campus, scientists found that this new diagnosis has nothing to do with your family history, and everything to do with how many bottles of cookies and cream milk you had last week.

Dr. Nick shared an insightful description of the disease. 

“So basically, the milk coats each of your internal organs with sugar. Then all your cells try the sugar-coated organs and think they’re yummy, so begin slowly eating you like a sour patch kid until there’s nothing left.”

McKay Smorgan, a weekling who can’t tolerate milk at all, seized the opportunity to stand up for his fragile stomach.

“Big win for the lactose-intolerant community,” he shared.

Ben Kofoed, the most recent stockholder of Dexcom, expressed his anxieties.

“Oof, we’re cooked. I heard they’re going to start including free insulin shots on the starving student card next year.”

While this news has come as quite the shock to BYU students, causing an instant plummet in creamery sales, some people could really care less.

“Mmm, I can feel my blood-sugar levels rising with every sip. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” said Riley Fitzpatrik, who is unsurprisingly anti-vax.

Will milk sales ever peak again? Will the creamery be forced to mix insulin into their milk recipes? Only time and obesity rates will tell.