Recently, BYU sent acceptance letters to 9,879 freshman applicants. A week later, nine of them were told that theirs were an accident, and that they would not be able to attend BYU. Here’s why BYU could not afford to let these nine students attend despite the error.

 

Famine

With nearly 40,000 students already enrolled at BYU Provo, food can be hard to come by. Imagine what that would be like with nearly 40,009 students. Now stop imagining it or else you’ll have nightmares.

 

Homelessness Epidemic

Freshmen on the streets. Tent cities in the quads. At least one student would be taken in by the campus deer herd. We’d never see him again, but he’d be out there. Because someone undeserving took his bed.

 

Parking Crisis

Right now, there are no problems with parking availability in Provo. Ever. But if there were NINE more residents in this city!? I mean, what if one of them brought a car? Oh heck. Oh freak, what if TWO of them brought cars?? By Jove.

Note: Don’t forget to tip your local parking police to thank them for keeping our lots safe!

 

Average IQ Drop

Right now, everyone at BYU is here because they earned their spot. If we let these kids in, they’d tank our reputation for high intelligence built by people like my buddy Bryson, who recently learned that “Chinese” is not synonymous with “Asian.”

 

Death

Someone would die. It could be you. It could be someone you know. It could be Cosmo the ****ing Cougar. And it would all be because we let the nine horsemen of the apocalypse just walk right onto campus.