You heard it here first, folks! We just checked in with the top realtors and property managers around BYU campus and they confirmed that everything is just sunshine and rainbows. Couldn’t be better. Business is boomin’.

While visiting Legend Real Estate, we overheard a joyful exchange between realtor Brig N. Greedy and a new tenant: “Rent is due on the first of each month. The three square feet of carpet you share with your roommate are weirdly stained, which is your fault. Your sink is broken and we’re not fixing it.”

We’re not sure who that tenant was, but clearly he didn’t deserve nice things. It’s a good thing Legend Real Estate were ready to do their civic duty.

Aspen Ridge was equally caring with their tenants.

“A publican will come to your door every week to punch you in the throat and take $200 worth of bonus fees,” Aspen Ridge representative Rob R. Baron told one of them.

We were particularly interested in the parking situations at the larger properties, which we quickly discovered were more than accommodating.

“No yeah parking is super chill,” said Redstone Residential CEO Ollie Gopolist. “Once you pay for a pass you just have to solve the riddles three and they’ll lead you to a spot that’s just big enough for a tricycle.”

Reports also indicate that the spots are not guaranteed, which builds character.

“If students don’t renew their year-long contracts, they get to live on the streets for two weeks of the summer. Just a fun little technically legal tradition we have here in Provo,” said Gopolist, who seems to genuinely think he’s not going to hell.

Greedy, Baron, and Gopolist all openly admitted to colluding to force students into year-long contracts. The period after such a contract ends and before the next one begins has come to be known as “homeless week.” It is a legal practice because the government doesn’t care about you.