Author: Don Cheadle

Campus, Featured, News

BREAKING: Helaman Halls Literacy Rates Reach Record High of 25%

In the spirit of Reading Day, a handful of Helaman Halls residents have finally overcome their bibliophobia and learned to read and write. “I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am,” said Reed A. Booke, the 25th percent, unprompted. The fact remains that the majority of Helaman residents will not be participating in the campus-wide holiday. “That’s what the … Continue reading BREAKING: Helaman Halls Literacy Rates Reach Record High of 25%

Don Cheadle1 Comment
Featured, General Conference

A Silent Exchange Between the General Conference Organists

It was but a touch. A brush, really. And yet, it was everything. As the organ duo performed at a session of General Conference earlier today, they suddenly found themselves in unfamiliar territory. Until that fateful moment, their job had been simple: play the organ. Caress that console and create the sweet melodies that would be heard by millions around the world. They were good … Continue reading A Silent Exchange Between the General Conference Organists

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Campus, Featured, Life, News

Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

With recent test scores trending downward and BYU’s academic image on the line, administrators decided to see whether it would be beneficial for test-takers to swap three bites of cheese for a clean 20mg of actual amphetamines. “This will be great because I’ve always felt like I have ADHD,” said student Nero T. Pickle, who exhibits exactly 0 symptoms of ADHD. “My friends can’t take … Continue reading Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

Don Cheadle
Featured, News

Is the New Utah Flag Woke?

Vexillologists and incels alike have argued that the recently implemented redesign of our state flag is far more progressive and inclusive than Brigham Young ever intended for Utah to be. And after careful examination, we’ve discovered that they are right to be outraged. Let’s start with the obvious one. The woke mob is obsessed with including people, and in this case, they just had to … Continue reading Is the New Utah Flag Woke?

Don Cheadle
Campus, Featured, Spotlight

Spotlight on the Bell Tower

From the first day any of us set foot on campus and saw the beautiful Centennial Carillon Tower, we’ve all been wondering the exact same thing: how much bell could a bell tower tow if a bell tower could tow bell? Well, unfortunately, these facts will not address that question in the slightest. 1. The bell tower was reportedly built. 2. It was originally called … Continue reading Spotlight on the Bell Tower

Don Cheadle