Vexillologists and incels alike have argued that the recently implemented redesign of our state flag is far more progressive and inclusive than Brigham Young ever intended for Utah to be. And after careful examination, we’ve discovered that they are right to be outraged. Let’s start with the obvious one. The woke mob is obsessed with including people, and in this case, they just had to … Continue reading Is the New Utah Flag Woke?
With a recent rise in clogged toilets at Helaman Halls, students have started to wonder if their gastrointestinal issues are signs of a new IBS diagnosis, or just because they are forced to eat at the cannon center. “I thought those bombs I dropped in the Budge hall toilet were a sign that I might have irritable bowel syndrome, but I’m starting to think it … Continue reading Do I have IBS or a student meal plan?
As the new year ushers in significant changes—a new president, the beginning of Gen-Beta, and, for you BYU cougs, the onset of a quarter-life crisis—it’s hard for President Russell M. Nelson to say all of these shifts are for the better. The 100-year-old leader has specifically pointed to the new TikTok ban as a major setback for his year. “I had at least 200 drafts … Continue reading President Nelson “Truly Saddened” By TikTok Ban
From the first day any of us set foot on campus and saw the beautiful Centennial Carillon Tower, we’ve all been wondering the exact same thing: how much bell could a bell tower tow if a bell tower could tow bell? Well, unfortunately, these facts will not address that question in the slightest. 1. The bell tower was reportedly built. 2. It was originally called … Continue reading Spotlight on the Bell Tower
In a catastrophic turn of events, the famed Brigham’s Wagon food truck has reportedly been devoured by a horde of belligerent locusts. Witnesses watched in horror as the voracious insects—believed to number no less than 10 million—descended upon the truck, irresistibly drawn by the scent of Wagon Tots and Handcart Tacos. BYU freshman Ryan Smith recounted: “It was like they knew exactly what they were … Continue reading Brigham’s Wagon Utterly Consumed By Locusts
