As Super Bowl Sunday is upon us once again, we can finally enjoy the culmination of years training from athletes who are, and will always be, better than you. But on this year’s Super Bowl Sunday, you can look forward to a visit from people who are not, and will never be, better than you: your ministers. The Church has noticed a strange trend in … Continue reading Ministering Rates Mysteriously Increase on Super Bowl Sunday
This morning around 9 am, BYU students received the news that all classes will convert to online delivery effective immediately in response to the recent cheese touch outbreak on campus. They say it’s worse than a case of nuclear cooties. It spreads faster than butter on a hot roll, and it can smell fear. With around 5,000 campus cases and counting, the administration was left … Continue reading BYU Returning to Online Classes In Response to Cheese Touch Outbreak
If this isn’t the sign of the end of days, then we don’t know what is. BYU Creamery has recently announced that they will soon release fry-sauced inspired products such as Fry Sauce Milk and Fry Sauce Mint Brownies. The full list of these crimes against humanity are: Fry sauce Chocolate milk, fry sauce mint brownies, fry sauce ice cream, fry sauce pepper-jack cheese, and … Continue reading BYU Creamery Releases new ‘Fry Sauce’ Flavored Dairy Products
As efforts increase to prevent the spread of Coronavirus, BYU’s Cannon Center has taken a revolutionary approach to social distancing and public safety with the installation of a real cannon. Imported from England, the cannon will be loaded with food and fired at the hungry students. Kate Anderson, head manager of the Cannon Center, described the process of this new decision to The Alternate Universe … Continue reading Cannon Center to Install Actual Cannon
Move over, Cosmo! There’s a new mascot in town! Chuck E. Cheese just bought the BYU duck bond for $5.8 million. In an effort to “revitalize” BYU’s campus, the company plans to build artificial islands with a miniature city complete with a full-sized Chuck E. Cheese’s building. BYU’s Board of Trustees eagerly approved the BYU duck pond remodel because there is nothing more that they … Continue reading Chuck E. Cheese Buys BYU Duck Pond
