Category: News

Life, News

EXCLUSIVE: ‘Billboard Bachelor Braden is a Ghost’ Says Woman Who Dated Him

Dear Alternate Universe,  I’m writing because you guys are definitely the most reliable news source in Provo. Maybe even in the world. And something has come to my attention that I think your readers should know about. You may have seen the billboards advertising a date with the LDS Millionaire? Yeah? Me too. Well, have you also seen the ones advertising dates with the non-millionaire … Continue reading EXCLUSIVE: ‘Billboard Bachelor Braden is a Ghost’ Says Woman Who Dated Him

Liz Lemon
News

New Pioneer-Denialism Movement Expected to Undercut Pioneer Day Festivities

The time-honored Pioneer day celebration is a prolific part of Utah culture. Complete with enough parades, American flags, and straw hats to be mistaken for an Amish Independence day festival, the 24th of July is a time to reflect on the sacrifice of the pioneers on their long trek across the US. However, a shocking new conspiracy is gaining traction that may be existentially dangerous … Continue reading New Pioneer-Denialism Movement Expected to Undercut Pioneer Day Festivities

Jane Lane
News

Cosmo Viciously Mauls Trek Wife in Faith-Promoting Reenactment of Pioneer Hardship

The Lehi 10th Stake was thoroughly enjoying their annual handcart trek through a blistering heatwave when fate blessed them with an inspiring disaster. It turns out Jedediah Smith’s family wasn’t the only thing starving on the trail. Just as they stopped for a moment to make sure they were still out of food, a disheveled looking Cosmo the Cougar leaped out from behind a tree … Continue reading Cosmo Viciously Mauls Trek Wife in Faith-Promoting Reenactment of Pioneer Hardship

Warren Dusenberry
Campus, News

BYU Administrators Disgusted by Conditions at Glenwood Student Detention Center on Campus Border

Amid reports of gross human rights violations, President Worthen and other BYU administrators took a trip to the campus border this week. They were outraged to discover the overcrowded, unsanitary conditions of the Glenwood student detention center, where hundreds of UVU students wait each year, hoping someday to be admitted into BYU. Administrators were given a tour of the student detention facilities by the property … Continue reading BYU Administrators Disgusted by Conditions at Glenwood Student Detention Center on Campus Border

Warren Dusenberry
Life, News

Provo Freedom Festival Parade Cancelled to Avoid Conflict with Stranger Things Season 3

Organizers of the annual 4th of July Freedom Festival had an embarrassing moment this morning when they realized they had scheduled the parade on the exact same day as the Stranger Things season 3 release. To save face, they’ve decided to call the whole thing off. “Look, I love parades as much as the next guy.” Parade planner Katie Nope explained, “But everybody just head … Continue reading Provo Freedom Festival Parade Cancelled to Avoid Conflict with Stranger Things Season 3

Warren Dusenberry