Category: Sports

Featured, News, Sports

BYU Wins Game By Divine Intervention, Satan Congratulates Utah on “Valiant Effort”

The latest rendition of the Holy War, described by witnesses as “65% football, 35% miracle,” ended with Brigham Young University triumphing over the University of Utah this weekend, in what religious scholars and diehard fans are calling an “unmistakable act of divine intervention.” BYU running back LJ Martin credited the 24-21 victory to “a ton of grit, faith, and a few desperate sideline prayers.” He … Continue reading BYU Wins Game By Divine Intervention, Satan Congratulates Utah on “Valiant Effort”

Kit Kittredge
Featured, News, Sports

BREAKING: Third Bachmeier Brother Revealed to be UVU Student

Bear and Tiger Bachmeier have made waves on the BYU football team this year, with Bear being the first true freshman quarterback in the team’s history. However, in a recent revelation that has rocked fans across the state, sources can now confirm that Bear and Tiger Bachmeier, BYU’s apex predators of the gridiron, have another brother: Cougar Bachmeier, a UVU senior studying accounting. According to … Continue reading BREAKING: Third Bachmeier Brother Revealed to be UVU Student

Kit Kittredge
Featured, Sports

BYU Honor Code Adjusts Portland Shutout from 69–0 to Holier 70–0

After the field lights turned off and the roars of the crowd had subsided, BYU had more than just an incredible opening win to worry about. While the Cougs reveled in their thrashing against the Portland Vikings, the Honor Code Office immediately began addressing the issue of BYU’s final score: 69. As a church affiliated institution, BYU takes pride in its high standards of moral … Continue reading BYU Honor Code Adjusts Portland Shutout from 69–0 to Holier 70–0

Marceline Abadeer
Featured, Life, Sports

Smile! You’re Cheating at the 50-Yard Line

In light of recent events, the BYU ROC board has issued an official PSA for all students: “ROC passes are on sale, and so is your reminder that football games aren’t scandalous date nights in disguise. The jumbotron catches everything—and everyone. Be careful who you bring, especially if they are side pieces or Utah fans,” shared Mandy Lyron, a student member of the committee.  Cheers … Continue reading Smile! You’re Cheating at the 50-Yard Line

Kim Possible
Featured, Sports

We’re Saved! Boy Who Throws Ball Real Good Agrees to Come to BYU for $1 Billion

Fortune has smiled upon the Lord’s University once again. Ryker Tygers, one of the nation’s top players, has graciously offered his services to the Cougs for a small remittance of one billion dollars. Just when things were starting to look bleak at the Y, the university is thrilled to be one step closer to being better than everyone else.   BYU Athletics expressed their excitement: … Continue reading We’re Saved! Boy Who Throws Ball Real Good Agrees to Come to BYU for $1 Billion

Marceline Abadeer