Instagram blurbs: “I took one bite of the brownie, and next thing I know, my mouth is on fire… I thought I was going to return to Kolob right then and there” -Dallin Smith, Caucasian Instagram blurbs: “This is truly one of the most pathetic things I have ever seen” – BYU EMT, quitting soon Dallin Smith was excited to come to BYU for his … Continue reading BYU Freshman Tries Mint Brownie, Dubs It “Too Spicy”
As news broke that the members of the boy-band BTS had been called to serve in their country’s military, millions of quirky white girls were devastated. You can only imagine the outrage when they heard that 69-time Grammy Winning Group, BYU Vocal Point, was the next to fall. “I ripped down the American flag hanging outside my parents’ third house,” Renzie Wood snapchatted The Alternate … Continue reading BYU’s Vocal Point Disbands Due to Mandatory Military Service
Instagram quote: “BYU……BYU…it’s for us…..for U. BYlovesU” – Cougarette slam poetry performance Midnight Madness is a staple of BYU’s Homecoming Week. For years, this famous event has been held around midnight, hence the name. However, after a petition from students that refused to attend the event because “it’s held past the Holy Ghost’s bedtime”, it was decided Midnight Madness would be held at 9pm this … Continue reading Midnight Madness Moved to 9pm Because “The Holy Ghost Goes to Bed at Midnight”
Let’s be honest, BYU kind of sucks. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to fit in. Remember, overcompensating is what we’re going for. For males: Drive a Ford F-150. Make sure it has blinding LED headlights, and tailgate whenever possible Never use your turn signal Get a buzz cut Invest in NFTs Whiten your teeth Make football your entire personality Wear those weird rectangular sunglasses … Continue reading How to be Straight-Passing at BYU
It has recently come to the attention of The Alternate Universe that there is another “so-called” student-run news source at BYU. They call themselves The Daily Universe and are clearly a rip-off and scam of our very excellent and high quality newspaper. “We are obviously the original and more-trustworthy newspaper. Just look at how many more followers we have than The Daily Universe” pointed out … Continue reading Alert: The Daily Universe is Just a Scam and Parody: DO NOT READ
