Amidst regular reports that women at BYU are facing discrimination from peers and professors on the basis of sex, administration has posited that that couldn’t possibly be true since sex is strictly forbidden.

The announcement ended with the following statement: “We literally have a whole part of a building named after a woman and surveys show that almost 2% percent of students have heard of it.”

Luckily, staff and students are actively seeking to make sure that women have every opportunity for academic success.

“I love helping the females in my classes succeed,” said physics professor Richard S. Small. “I keep a stack of maps to the Elementary Ed department in my office for exactly that.”

Small’s generosity and love for inclusion does seem to correlate with a deficiency of intercourse.

“I know for a fact that Professor Small is an actual incel,” said an anonymous physics student. “He just told us that one class and then cried for 45 minutes.”

However, some acknowledge that BYU could stand to do better regarding the topic.

“No, sexism is a serious problem. I mean it’s right in the honor code: ‘MEN’S hair should be neatly trimmed. MEN should be clean shaven,’” said Bryson Dyson, who is currently maintaining a 1.3 GPA. “Men just can’t do anything anymore. Because of the woke.”