Tag: News

Featured, News

Utah County Offers Bounty Money For Helping to Bring Down Invasive Population of FSY Kids

As temperatures rise, Utah County officials are preparing measures to control the invasive populations of FSY Kids that will soon erupt at the two universities in the county. “It just destroys the local food chain, the native college students find it extremely difficult to find uncrowded feeding areas,” says local expert Tracy Mulholland. Locals expressed excitement over the potential of easy money. Utah County is … Continue reading Utah County Offers Bounty Money For Helping to Bring Down Invasive Population of FSY Kids

MontresorLeave a comment
General Conference, Life, News

Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting

In a grotesque display of dishonesty and pride, local man Braxton Williams claimed over the pulpit during his testimony today to have watched every speaker in General Conference. During his testimony, which lasted 20 minutes, Braxton allegedly claimed, among other things, that he “enjoyed every single speaker last weekend,” a phrase which drew audible gasps from the congregation. “I knew he was lying when he … Continue reading Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting

Chuck Bartowski1 Comment
Campus, Featured, Life, News, Provo

In Stunning Display of Creativity, Every Band Featured in Battle of the Bands Sort of Sounds Like Imagine Dragons

Provo, Utah, noted for being birthplace to the famous bands Imagine Dragons and Neon Trees, leaves many up-and-coming bands dreaming of what may be following BYUSA’s Battle of the Bands. That legacy has greatly shaped the Provo music scene as we at the Alternate Universe look ahead to tonight’s Battle of the Bands. In a three-hour performance, concertgoers will be able to hear a wide … Continue reading In Stunning Display of Creativity, Every Band Featured in Battle of the Bands Sort of Sounds Like Imagine Dragons

Chuck Bartowski
Campus, Featured, Life

Looksmaxxer Clavicular Brutally Frame-Mogged by Barefoot Cosmo

Sorry, Clavvy. You mess with the cat, you’ve gotta go toe-to-toe with the dawgs. “I can’t believe a misogymaxxed moidslop chudcel like him would even jestergoon around a cougarpilled canthal tilt like Cosmo’s. Enjoy that career-ending cortisol spike, bud,” said onlooker John Volcel. Clavicular was unable to comment as he was busy crying in the corner of the Milk & Cookies lounge. Barefoot Cosmo, stoic … Continue reading Looksmaxxer Clavicular Brutally Frame-Mogged by Barefoot Cosmo

Don Cheadle
Life, News

Man with “Peacemakers Wanted” Bumper Sticker Nearly Kills Family of 7 in Road Rage Incident

PLEASANT GROVE — Local family of 7 narrowly escape death after frightening encounter with an angry driver sporting multiple gospel decals. Around 7:30am this morning an apparent road rage incident occurred concerning a single driver and a family of 7 in a minivan. Witnesses report hearing the screeching of wheels and honking loudly as the solitary driver cut off the minivan nearly clipping it and … Continue reading Man with “Peacemakers Wanted” Bumper Sticker Nearly Kills Family of 7 in Road Rage Incident

Chuck Bartowski