In a grotesque display of dishonesty and pride, local man Braxton Williams claimed over the pulpit during his testimony today to have watched every speaker in General Conference. During his testimony, which lasted 20 minutes, Braxton allegedly claimed, among other things, that he “enjoyed every single speaker last weekend,” a phrase which drew audible gasps from the congregation.

“I knew he was lying when he started to name the seventies that spoke,” said Relief Society President Ashleignn Rose. “I can’t even name all the apostles, and I was a Sister Training Leader on my mission.”

“There is no way he actually saw everything. Everyone knows that when the women speak it’s the ideal time for a bathroom break,” grunted gym bro Chadwick Dorcas.

“In all my time of being a YSA bishop, I have never needed to cut the microphone during someone’s talk,” shared Bishop Mark Johannsen. “But when Braxton claimed to have consistently taken notes the whole weekend, I nearly made that choice.”

Further witnesses also noted that what was most impressive about Braxton’s testimony was that in 20 minutes he never once mentioned Jesus Christ, despite having #christian in his Instagram bio.

As the shockwaves of this false testimony reverberate throughout Utah County, we at the Alternate Universe encourage everyone to stay honest during their testimonies.