Author: Chuck Bartowski

Featured, General Conference, Sports

BYU Football Just Not the Same Without Gambling

Hours after President Christofferson’s anti-gambling talk, thousands of fans feel less inclined to follow football now that there is no money in it. In the Saturday morning session of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ General Conference leader President D. Todd Christofferson gave a seminal talk about the immorality of gambling, and discouraging members from participating in any form, including sports betting. This re-emphasis … Continue reading BYU Football Just Not the Same Without Gambling

Chuck Bartowski1 Comment
Campus, Life, Provo, Sports

BYU ROC Board Releases Statement, Condemns Busy Students as “Poor Fans”

Provo, UT – In a statement released in response to recent backlash surrounding new ROC Pass ticket claim policies, the ROC Board maintained that students with responsibilities that infringe upon athletic event attendance are “not real BYU Cougars.” The press release reads as follows: “Dear Students and BYU Alumni, “A lot of discussion has been made recently regarding our new policy for BYU Football and … Continue reading BYU ROC Board Releases Statement, Condemns Busy Students as “Poor Fans”

Chuck Bartowski
Campus

Loser with No Friends Studies on Reading Day

Local chump Sandra McCullough was caught using BYU’s Reading Day for studying rather than normal activities like hanging out with friends or having a life. “In all my years of working here, I’ve never seen someone actually study on Reading Day,” reported longtime librarian Susan Goodrich. “It’s really quite sad to see her be the first.” Observers noted being “weirded out” by seeing someone take … Continue reading Loser with No Friends Studies on Reading Day

Chuck Bartowski4 Comments
General Conference, Life, News

Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting

In a grotesque display of dishonesty and pride, local man Braxton Williams claimed over the pulpit during his testimony today to have watched every speaker in General Conference. During his testimony, which lasted 20 minutes, Braxton allegedly claimed, among other things, that he “enjoyed every single speaker last weekend,” a phrase which drew audible gasps from the congregation. “I knew he was lying when he … Continue reading Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting

Chuck Bartowski1 Comment
Campus, Featured, Life, News, Provo

In Stunning Display of Creativity, Every Band Featured in Battle of the Bands Sort of Sounds Like Imagine Dragons

Provo, Utah, noted for being birthplace to the famous bands Imagine Dragons and Neon Trees, leaves many up-and-coming bands dreaming of what may be following BYUSA’s Battle of the Bands. That legacy has greatly shaped the Provo music scene as we at the Alternate Universe look ahead to tonight’s Battle of the Bands. In a three-hour performance, concertgoers will be able to hear a wide … Continue reading In Stunning Display of Creativity, Every Band Featured in Battle of the Bands Sort of Sounds Like Imagine Dragons

Chuck Bartowski