Terror struck the heart of Helaman Halls Resident and self-proclaimed Brigham Delta Pi Fraternity member Duke Guywalker earlier this week when he had one whole Geography 120 assignment due Tuesday. The assignment would take the average person nearly fifteen whole minutes to complete-a timeframe too long for poor Duke. Luckily, a strategy he’s been using since the Biden administration quickly came to his mind-ChatGPT could do it all instantly. Sure, it stimulates the rapid expansion of a small group of technocrat billionaires’ vice-like control on our democracy, gives validity to a project that steals art, literature, and poetry at a rate unprecedented, and contributes to the general cognitive decline of an already mentally lacking human race, but think of what Duke could do with those fifteen minutes! “I’m running a two man tonight,” said Duke, buttoning just the top button of his Tommy Bahama shirt “and I was going to ask Claude for a list of things I could say to make me group leader, but Gemini told me to do something different. Started with a Th? Rhymed with pink? I asked DeepSeek how to do it and thought I’d give it a go.”

Then, unanticipatedly, Duke pulled out his laptop, closed his ChatGPT, Claude, DeepSeek, Gemini, GLaDOS, HAL 9000, and Ultron tabs, and opened up a good, old-fashioned Google Doc. In a blur of assiduity, he typed the assignment out for himself. He was frightened to find that keys other than Control+C and Control+V worked on his laptop, yet he pressed on, typing up almost four paragraphs about the Middle East. “Were they good paragraphs? No.” said Professor John Solo when interviewed about the groundbreaking feat. “But were they noticeably written by a human and not just the same old regurgitated speech patterns common to generative artificial intelligence. And honestly? It isn’t just hard work – it’s courage.”

Near the end of the assignment, Duke’s hands were tired, and his phone was sending him notifications from his Grok Bot, so he ended up getting Claude to finish it. But scholars across the country and the international circuit commend Duke’s bravery. It is not common for the average BYU student to do even a small fraction of an assignment or test without the assistance (and hand-holding) of AI, let alone one that takes fifteen minutes. “I’m brave. I really am.” said Duke proudly, spraying himself with enough cologne to destroy the environment a second time. “Maybe now they’ll name a data center after me. If you’ll excuse me, though, I’ve got a testimony to write. And by write, I mean watch time go by like sand grains in a glass, ticking down to humanity’s inevitable extinction.”