BYU’s internationally acclaimed and recognized Marriott School of Business boasts elite undergraduate and postgraduate programs. Tenuous classes such as “Coloring Inside the Lines 367” and “Snack Time 200” and “Emails and Quarterzips 390” and “Circling Back to Following Up on Piggybacking Off of That 490” (Capstone) refine generations of students to be the next movers, shakers, and disruptors of industry.

The season of miracles has arrived early in Provo. Following last week’s miraculous attempt by a campus freshman to complete assigned reading on his own, BYU campus has yet again bore witness to a marvelous occurrence.

This week, Jaxtyn Chadley bravely completed his notoriously difficult “Coloring for Entrepreneurship 404” homework by hand, without the use of any AI.

Following this innovation, Jaxtyn Chadley appeared visibly emboldened by his newfound dexterity, and began writing a list of what he claims as “Things to Say to your Professor” and demanded we feature his list in our article. Here is the list as follows”

“Give me your job.”
“I’d like to speak to your manager.”
“Can you change my exam score?”
“Why don’t you have tenure?”
“I’m going to recess.”
“I’m not going to circle back on this.”
“This should have been an email.”

Jaxtyn says he plans on creating a private equity firm, that is going to let people subscribe to leases owned by his private equity firm, for clean drinking water. His professor, Dr. Beffery Epstein, says “I didn’t think it was possible to reach the stage of late-stage capitalism to where drinking water is privately managed, but here we are. I’m so proud. I am also scared of Jaxtyn’s power.”

The Alternate Universe was unable to provide an adequate net worth to reach the Marriott School for comment.