In this society, a man only has one choice: marry an 18-year-old girl during his first semester back from the mission, or join the manosphere. The choice is brutal, but the world is a dark place. No one knows this better than Benson Eubranks. When asked how he decided to take himself off the market, Eubranks replied, “To stay in a power position, I’ve decided … Continue reading Man Claims He is Off the Market Purely by Choice
To discourage this practice, the church has released a new series of printable Mormonads to share with friends and family. Continue reading President Oaks Confirms That Having Romantic Relations With Your Ward Brothers and Sisters Is, In Fact, Incest.
After a free consulting evaluation, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has created a bold new plan to help increase profits and boost morale. 1. Gospel Library ProPlusPremium Members will find a variety of subscription options on the Gospel Library App. 2. General Conference Sponsors/ Product Placement Revenue will be collected and used to provide church buildings with less scratchy walls. 3. MSF … Continue reading LDS HQ Announces Proposal to Increase the Church’s Bottom Line
This morning, general authorities reported visions of Cosmo abducted in a strange, vine-like lair. News reports have confirmed the abduction of 11 other mascots as well. With great interest, reporters coaxed a vague description our of our dear prophet. “What I saw…it was like Nephi’s vision of the great and spacious building…but silmier and with more squishy sounds,” he shared, visibly disturbed. While many people … Continue reading General Authorities Report Visions of Cosmo in Vecna’s Lair. 11 Other Mascots Missing.
After taking a lie detector test on his YouTube channel, President Oaks admitted that this shocking new policy change was only made to resolve personal beef with a minor. Without spoiling too many of the changes he plans on making during his future reign as prophet, Oaks admitted, “It is anticipated that the age will go back to 19 when she comes home and joins a … Continue reading LEAKED: President Oaks Only Changed Missionary Age to Save His Granddaughter From Her High School Boyfriend
