Author: Paul Atreides

Campus, Life

C. Shane Reese Quotes Kendrick Lamar to First-Gen Graduates

Friday evening, BYU President C. Shane Reese quoted Kendrick Lamar at a dinner for first generation graduates. “To quote one of the greatest lyricists of all time, Kendrick Lamar, ‘Be humble,’” said Reese. Reese, himself a first-generation college graduate, then used Lamar’s “HUMBLE.” to illustrate the principle of humility. This is within the range of normal behavior for the university president. Reese is famously engaged … Continue reading C. Shane Reese Quotes Kendrick Lamar to First-Gen Graduates

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Featured, News, Sports

Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

History was made in Omaha on Thursday as a BYU basketball player declared that he would lead the university to paradise and a National Championship before their first March Madness game. “No one in this room can stand against me,” declared point guard Dallin Hall as he took center court before Thursday’s game. “Your mothers warned you about my coming. Fear the moment.” Mark Pope, … Continue reading Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

Paul Atreides
Life

BYU Erects Razor Wire Along UVU Border

Saying that he was “fed up” with Utah Valley University students using BYU housing, amenities, and facilities, BYU’s new border czar ordered the erection of razor wire fences on the border of the two school’s territories. Grejg Nunbott, whose official title is “Protector of Cougarland Security,” has affiliated with violent extremist elements in the ROC Board. The wire, erected Monday, cuts through the Wal-Mart on … Continue reading BYU Erects Razor Wire Along UVU Border

Paul Atreides
Life

Student Drops Class Because of Opening Hymn

Florida native Dilbert Painter dropped out of his beginning weightlifting class this week. When asked why, he burst into tears. “Why are we singing hymns in the weight room before class?” Painter, a freshman, lamented. “I thought it was a joke in the syllabus, but we didn’t even have time to warm up after we finished all five verses of ‘If You Could Hie to … Continue reading Student Drops Class Because of Opening Hymn

Paul Atreides
Campus, News

American Heritage TA Drunk With Power

As finals approach, TAs all over campus are being flooded with requests from their students begging for extra credit and help. It’s gone to American Heritage TA Mahonri Dahl’s head. “I am all powerful,” cackled Dahl as he put a crown of Scantrons onto his head. “These freshmen shall bow before me and know the might of a teaching assistant!” “Is this another rule of … Continue reading American Heritage TA Drunk With Power

Paul Atreides