Category: News

Life, News

Yum! Sodalicious Releases Eight Exciting New Drinks

You’ve heard of the NCMO, the 2nd Wife, and the Civil Marriage. Get ready for the eight latest beverage concoctions from everyone’s favorite soda chain! COCONUT CONCUBINE: Water from King Henry’s hot tub with raspberry and coconut cream. THE SWEATY VELOUR: White Monster infused with Blink-182 covers and a mentally ill bass player. DISFELLOWSHIPPED: 7-Up with strawberry and a disciplinary vibe check. TUNNEL SINGING GROPE: … Continue reading Yum! Sodalicious Releases Eight Exciting New Drinks

Anya Forger
Featured, News, Sports

Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

History was made in Omaha on Thursday as a BYU basketball player declared that he would lead the university to paradise and a National Championship before their first March Madness game. “No one in this room can stand against me,” declared point guard Dallin Hall as he took center court before Thursday’s game. “Your mothers warned you about my coming. Fear the moment.” Mark Pope, … Continue reading Dallin Hall Declared Lisan al-Gaib

Paul Atreides
Campus, Featured, News

Sales Recruiter Trained by Bene Gesserit Has a Profitable Afternoon

It’s that time of year. Summer sales recruiters are descending on the Cougareat like a plague of charismatic locusts. One Vivint rep has been staggeringly successful. In a single day, Brosh Duncan managed to convince two thousand freshmen to spend their summers hawking solar panels. “There’s something really believable about Brosh,” says Tyler Bowman, a recent recruit. “He’s such a cool guy!” However, there’s more … Continue reading Sales Recruiter Trained by Bene Gesserit Has a Profitable Afternoon

Anya Forger
News

Real Reason Revealed for Acquiring Kirtland Temple

Earlier this week, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints acquired the Kirtland Temple from the Community of Christ. According to a report, the purchase was made for approximately $192 million. The reason for obtaining the building was explained by President Russell M. Nelson. “There’s always money in the Kirtland Temple” said Nelson with a wink. “We needed to reacquire it because there were … Continue reading Real Reason Revealed for Acquiring Kirtland Temple

Cameron Frye
Campus, Life, News

BYUSA Election undergoes Investigation after suspected Interference by BYUSSR

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George Beard