Category: News

Essential Oils Save Lives
News

Draper-Area ‘Scientists’ Report Essential Oils Effective Against COVID-19, Economic Downturn

Early Friday morning a coalition of “scientists” from the Draper, Utah area announced that essential oils are effective against COVID-19. According to their “very thorough, very professional” studies, using oil from “Toxicodendron radicans” can lead to a remission in corona virus symptoms and also a sturdy defense against economic downturn. “It’s not really surprising,” said “researcher” Cambreyn Dylan, “after all, it’s from nature so it … Continue reading Draper-Area ‘Scientists’ Report Essential Oils Effective Against COVID-19, Economic Downturn

Donald Cherry85 Comments
News

Student Books Flight to Wuhan After Receiving Organic Chemistry Midterm Results

Ryan Williamson, a sophomore at BYU, checked Learning Suite this morning. To his shock and horror, he found his most recent Organic Chemistry midterm score came in at 65%, the 93rd percentile. The score was harrowing to say the least, but sources confirm that he took solace in the fact that he did better than 93% of his classmates. Furthermore, Rate My Professor says that … Continue reading Student Books Flight to Wuhan After Receiving Organic Chemistry Midterm Results

Hugh Wei
General Conference, News

LDS Church to Announce Plastic Surgery Ban at April 2020 General Conference

President Russell M. Nelson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints hinted during the Church’s October 2019 General Conference that the upcoming Conference session­–to be held April 4th and 5th of this year– would be unlike any other. Speculation as to what would make the April 2020 General Conference such a special meeting immediately followed. With so many rumors in circulation, insiders have … Continue reading LDS Church to Announce Plastic Surgery Ban at April 2020 General Conference

Johnny Swift4 Comments
Campus, News

Russian Department Suspected in BYUSA Election Fraud

A scandal has broken out on campus as Wednesday’s BYU Student Association elections were rocked with allegations of foreign language department interference. According to sources, over 200,000 votes were cast for Manny the Mannequin, drawing suspicion of voter fraud onto the election. “Who could have known that this could be an issue?” said BYUSA election official Bryan Thurmond, “It turns out using an unsecured mobile … Continue reading Russian Department Suspected in BYUSA Election Fraud

Donald Cherry
News

BREAKING: BYU to Fire Chimpanzees, Hire Actual Programmers to Develop Learning Suite and BYU Store Website

According to an internal memo from BYU’s administration (acquired by the Alternate Universe’s Advanced Intelligence Division), it appears that BYU will hire actual programmers to continue development on Learning Suite and the BYU store website. Previously, in an effort to cut costs, BYU web development was managed by a team of chimpanzees given intelligence enhancing drugs by the BYU biology department. The experiment proved a … Continue reading BREAKING: BYU to Fire Chimpanzees, Hire Actual Programmers to Develop Learning Suite and BYU Store Website

James West1 Comment