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Distraught Student Confesses Textbook Piracy to Bishop

As a new semester dawns, students across campus confront astronomical textbook prices and some turn to less-than-legitimate sources for class materials. In an interview with his bishop earlier this morning, freshman Ammon Zedekiahson confessed to engaging in the unthinkable: downloading pirated textbooks off a shady website. “I just couldn’t deal with the guilt,” Zedekiahson said through tears. “I’ve never done something this terrible.”  Jeremy Jensen, … Continue reading Distraught Student Confesses Textbook Piracy to Bishop

Kit Kittredge
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Do I have IBS or a student meal plan?

With a recent rise in clogged toilets at Helaman Halls, students have started to wonder if their gastrointestinal issues are signs of a new IBS diagnosis, or just because they are forced to eat at the cannon center. “I thought those bombs I dropped in the Budge hall toilet were a sign that I might have irritable bowel syndrome, but I’m starting to think it … Continue reading Do I have IBS or a student meal plan?

Kim Possible
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New Giving Machines + Offer Donations to the Wealthy

It is once again time for the beloved Giving Machines to start popping up for the holiday season. This initiative from the LDS Church is an admirable effort to support humanitarianism and kindness. However, recent reports are revealing that this push for charity has left some demographics feeling alienated; particularly the Utah County upper class.  In order to bridge this gap, Brileigheigh Lee, local trust … Continue reading New Giving Machines + Offer Donations to the Wealthy

Marceline Abadeer
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John the Beloved Secretly BYU QB?

In the folklore of Latter-day Saints, there are some figures who are mysterious and yet intimately known. They perform unexpected miracles. Four of their order exist. The Three Nephites are well known to faithful Alternate Universe readers and take many guises. More prominent, and thus more occluded, is John the Beloved–who has now revealed himself. An unassuming, nice Jewish boy who delivers the people of … Continue reading John the Beloved Secretly BYU QB?

Paul Atreides
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Terrifying! VASA Bro Being Himself For Halloween

With All Hallows Eve on the horizon, Provo residents are narrowing in on their costumes of choice. And while some are playing it safe, others are erring on the scarier side. This year, one resident in particular has decided to go as a character more horrifying than them all—himself. Bryce Epp weighs in at a dense 6’4″ 250 pounds. He swipes by day and lifts … Continue reading Terrifying! VASA Bro Being Himself For Halloween

Lisa Simpson