Tag: Featured

Campus, News

BYU Decides to Model Random COVID Testing Selection Process after Hunger Games Reapings

With mandatory COVID-19 testing complete for all BYU students, a new season of randomized testing is coming into full swing. Despite BYU’s randomized selection process proving highly effective this past week, the administration has made a sudden decision to alter it completely. Starting Monday, their new approach will be modeled after the reaping system in the hit teen-dystopian novel The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. … Continue reading BYU Decides to Model Random COVID Testing Selection Process after Hunger Games Reapings

Lisa Simpson
News

Church Investment Manager Excommunicated After Ignoring Prompting to Convert Entire $100 Billion Fund into GameStop Stock

Larry Smith, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ investment portfolio manager, was allegedly fired and excommunicated early this morning after word got out that he had ignored a strong spiritual prompting to covert all of the Church’s more than $100 Billion in available assets into GameStop stock several months ago. Sources at Church headquarters confirm that President Nelson, after a restless night, called … Continue reading Church Investment Manager Excommunicated After Ignoring Prompting to Convert Entire $100 Billion Fund into GameStop Stock

Warren Dusenberry
Life

Hundreds of students refuse to return 750,000 pounds of Hot Pockets recently discovered to be contaminated with glass and plastic

As the news broke that around 750,000 pounds of the dorm-favorite snack “Hot Pockets” were contaminated with pieces of glass and hard plastic, shockwaves were sent to colleges and universities throughout the nation. There were many who immediately returned their recently purchased “Hot Pockets” to stores and demanded a refund. Others, however, were not so eager to return their prized pocket pizzas.   “I literally … Continue reading Hundreds of students refuse to return 750,000 pounds of Hot Pockets recently discovered to be contaminated with glass and plastic

Bobby Zimmeruski
News

Eliza R. Snow to replace Donny Osmond on the $17 Bill

In the past few days the Biden administration has reportedly begun reinstating efforts to add Harriet Tubman’s portrait to the $20 bill, replacing Andrew Jackson. This project was originally initiated by the Obama administration, and is finally being brought to fruition. Another change a little closer to home, is the decision to replace Donny Osmond on the $17 bill with Eliza R. Snow. The newly … Continue reading Eliza R. Snow to replace Donny Osmond on the $17 Bill

Carmen Sandeigo
Uncategorized

President Nelson Debuts New Robot Arm, Possibly a Vaccine Side Effect

This morning President Russell M. Nelson confirmed reports that he has indeed developed an awesome new robot arm. It is still unclear if this new development is a side effect of the COVID-19 vaccine or an unrelated occurrence. “This robot arm is much stronger than my old arm, it’ll be good to help out with the folding chairs after stake conference.” said President Nelson. Experts … Continue reading President Nelson Debuts New Robot Arm, Possibly a Vaccine Side Effect

Donald Cherry