50 WAYS TO SHUT OUT LIGHT Gaslight a child. Manipulate a loved one. Overstimulate a friend. Spit on an old person. Stigmatize mental health. Start a scandalous rumor about a loved one. Fill a stranger’s gas tank with milk. Make fun of someone’s birth mark. Empty a friend’s inhaler. Bankrupt a local business. Ask a woman her weight. Traffic an endangered species. Talk over your … Continue reading 50 Ways to Spite the World This Christmas Season
Everyone knows that fifth Sunday law of chastity lessons usually go poorly. But today, we were lucky enough to sit in on the world’s most successful one yet, led by instructor Cassidy Lessen. Lessen had the entire ward participating and asking meaningful, thought-provoking questions. For example, Sabbath Day committee member Bear Soles asked, “Does the handbook say anything about feet?” However, Lessen declined to comment … Continue reading Wholesome: YSA Ward Chastity Lesson Gone Right
After taking a lie detector test on his YouTube channel, President Oaks admitted that this shocking new policy change was only made to resolve personal beef with a minor. Without spoiling too many of the changes he plans on making during his future reign as prophet, Oaks admitted, “It is anticipated that the age will go back to 19 when she comes home and joins a … Continue reading LEAKED: President Oaks Only Changed Missionary Age to Save His Granddaughter From Her High School Boyfriend
Since you’ve all been slacking with your ministering sisters, it’s time to step it up. Here are some pointers that the church handbook recommends to “minister to the one” and enter the celestial kingdom as a big bad boy boss. Deliver Baked Goods. Attempt to make your own cookies, give up, and buy cookies from Walmart to put on a plate. Those Lofthouse sugar cookies … Continue reading A Beginner’s Guide to Becoming an Alpha Ministering Brother
With a recent rise in diabetes cases on BYU campus, scientists found that this new diagnosis has nothing to do with your family history, and everything to do with how many bottles of cookies and cream milk you had last week. Dr. Nick shared an insightful description of the disease. “So basically, the milk coats each of your internal organs with sugar. Then all your … Continue reading Studies Show BYU Cookies N Cream Milk Causes Type III Diabetes
