Category: Campus

Campus, Life, News

CES Headmaster Clark Gilbert Sorts Professors Into 4 Houses Based on Orthodoxy, Saves BYU

This morning, LDS Church Commissioner of Education, Clark Griswold Gilbert took the stage at BYU’s 2025 graduation ceremony to remind everyone he went to Harvard and then give the commencement address.    In the address, Commissioner Gilbert reviewed all of the disruption that he’s innovated over his past four years in office before announcing that he will be the permanent commencement speaker at BYU graduations … Continue reading CES Headmaster Clark Gilbert Sorts Professors Into 4 Houses Based on Orthodoxy, Saves BYU

Lisa SimpsonLeave a comment
Campus, Featured, News

BREAKING: Helaman Halls Literacy Rates Reach Record High of 25%

In the spirit of Reading Day, a handful of Helaman Halls residents have finally overcome their bibliophobia and learned to read and write. “I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am,” said Reed A. Booke, the 25th percent, unprompted. The fact remains that the majority of Helaman residents will not be participating in the campus-wide holiday. “That’s what the … Continue reading BREAKING: Helaman Halls Literacy Rates Reach Record High of 25%

Don Cheadle1 Comment
Campus, Featured, Life, Provo

Shocking! Gym Bro Disappointed When Thigh-Revealing Shorts Don’t Attract a Girlfriend.

Chad accepts the hard fact that girls don’t actually want to see him in 5” shorts.  As spring has sprung, the occurrences of men in short shorts have multiplied exponentially. Focused on showing off their gains from their “winter arcs,” gym bros across the Provo area have opted for shorter styles.  However, this new style hasn’t gotten the results that Chad, a local Vasa bro, … Continue reading Shocking! Gym Bro Disappointed When Thigh-Revealing Shorts Don’t Attract a Girlfriend.

Swedish ChefLeave a comment
Campus, Featured

Survey Says: No One Wants To Take Your Survey

The poll of 34,737 BYU adults found that 100% do not want to take your survey. As the end of the semester approaches, distraught students have shared their thoughts on the matter. “I don’t understand why no one will take my psychometrics survey,” Steven Shnarvey stated perplexedly. “It’s only 180 questions and will literally take 2 minutes!!” While some students struggle with the quantity of … Continue reading Survey Says: No One Wants To Take Your Survey

Kim Possible2 Comments
Campus, Featured, News

BYU Implements New ‘COUG’ Agency to Reduce Spending

BYU’s new COUG Agency (also known as the ‘Cutting Out Useless Garbage’ Agency) has an initiative aimed at reducing the completely unnecessary and stupid things wasting BYU’s budget. Here are the top 4 cuts that you need to know about. Defunding the BYU Department of Education BYU will be cutting funding to their entire Department of Education, as professors may be more motivated to teach … Continue reading BYU Implements New ‘COUG’ Agency to Reduce Spending

Milo AukermanLeave a comment