Category: News

Campus, Featured, News

Misguided Religious Studies Major Flips Tables at the Cougareat

The CougarEat was thrown into chaos last week when religious studies major Gordon Jacobsen unexpectedly began flipping tables and attempting to “cast out” the employees of Chick-Fil-A and other establishments. “To defile the Lord’s campus in such a way is nothing short of an affront to God,” said Jacobsen. “Jesus overthrew the seats of those who overcharge for doves in Matthew 21:12. Those who overcharge … Continue reading Misguided Religious Studies Major Flips Tables at the Cougareat

Basil Fawlty
Campus, News

Historic! New Speed Record on Testing Center Midterm

Based on official reports out of the testing center, Brayzden Richards has set the record for the fastest midterm with a time of 22.1 seconds. He narrowly beat the previous record of 37 minutes. Brayzden Richards explained that he didn’t even look at the test, “I was completely unprepared, so I went in with ‘When in doubt, ‘C’ it out!’” It was a true/false exam. … Continue reading Historic! New Speed Record on Testing Center Midterm

Edmond Dantès
Campus, Featured, Life, News

Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

With recent test scores trending downward and BYU’s academic image on the line, administrators decided to see whether it would be beneficial for test-takers to swap three bites of cheese for a clean 20mg of actual amphetamines. “This will be great because I’ve always felt like I have ADHD,” said student Nero T. Pickle, who exhibits exactly 0 symptoms of ADHD. “My friends can’t take … Continue reading Testing Center Vending Machines Replace String Cheese with Adderall

Don Cheadle
Featured, News

Is the New Utah Flag Woke?

Vexillologists and incels alike have argued that the recently implemented redesign of our state flag is far more progressive and inclusive than Brigham Young ever intended for Utah to be. And after careful examination, we’ve discovered that they are right to be outraged. Let’s start with the obvious one. The woke mob is obsessed with including people, and in this case, they just had to … Continue reading Is the New Utah Flag Woke?

Don Cheadle
Featured, News

President Nelson “Truly Saddened” By TikTok Ban

As the new year ushers in significant changes—a new president, the beginning of Gen-Beta, and, for you BYU cougs, the onset of a quarter-life crisis—it’s hard for President Russell M. Nelson to say all of these shifts are for the better. The 100-year-old leader has specifically pointed to the new TikTok ban as a major setback for his year. “I had at least 200 drafts … Continue reading President Nelson “Truly Saddened” By TikTok Ban

Marceline Abadeer