Table Storage in Church Gym Claims Another Local Child
Another Sunday, another child seized by supernatural forces beyond our comprehension. Tragedy strikes the hearts of LDS families again as yet another child was reportedly taken by a mystic void located in a church building. Nine-year-old Johnny Rees was last seen playing near his church building’s table storage area before abruptly disappearing altogether. As it is commonly known, a dark supernatural force resides in every … Continue reading Table Storage in Church Gym Claims Another Local Child
Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”
In the For Strength of Youth pamphlet, the church directs: “before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing”. For years, this counsel has left righteous Latter-Day Saint youths and young adults scratching their heads- what qualifies as “passionate kissing”? This morning, the First Presidency released a statement clarifying the Lord’s stance on kissing before marriage. It marked the first official instruction regarding chastity within the … Continue reading Church Leaders Finally Define “Passionate Kissing”
Utah Lake Monster Behind “Don’t Pave Utah Lake”
The Alternate Universe uncovered a shocking secret this morning through their very serious journalism efforts. The real force behind the movement “Don’t Pave Utah Lake” is actually the notorious Utah Lake Monster. The Utah Lake Monster, otherwise known as Greggg, was spotted this morning leaving the lake to go to a Conserve Utah Valley meeting. The runner who spotted Greggg this morning, Jeff Smith, agreed … Continue reading Utah Lake Monster Behind “Don’t Pave Utah Lake”
Elder Murray from ‘The District’ Finally Becomes a Blue Chair
Everyone’s favorite goofball from The District series, Elder Murray, finally had his lifelong dream come true. “I know I received this blessing in my life because I have been a righteous servant of the Lord,” Elder Murray said. “I can’t think a greater eternal blessing than becoming a blue chair…wait.” As all cultural missionaries know, The District is a series shown to all greenies in training … Continue reading Elder Murray from ‘The District’ Finally Becomes a Blue Chair
Batpoleon Manamite Wins Oscar for Best Picture
“It is easily the best day of my life,” says Jon Heder, who has four children and a wife. When asked about his character, Batpoleon Manamite, he responded, “He’s got bowhunting skills, nunchuck skills, and computer hacking skills. Gotham City wants a guy with skills,” directly quoting a line from the movie. We asked Deb what her favorite line was. “I don’t know, but I … Continue reading Batpoleon Manamite Wins Oscar for Best Picture
