Socially Distanced Independence Parade Drags on for Ten Hours
Provo citizens were excited to hear that the 4th of July “Grand Parade” was set to happen despite the COVID-19 pandemic. City officials announced that the parade would be compliant with social distancing rules, and take full precautions for the safety of all involved. However, due to a typo in the instructions, rather than staying 60 feet apart, all floats were 600 feet apart from … Continue reading Socially Distanced Independence Parade Drags on for Ten Hours
Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”
The United States government has declared that the Fourth of July will now be the Third of July, coinciding with Hamilton’s release on Disney Plus. “I’m glad we’re recognizing the relation between Independence Day and the availability of Hamilton,” said A.J. Hamilton (no relation). “We’re about to experience freedom like never before.” Noting that “history has its eyes on [the U.S. government],” the move to … Continue reading Government Changes Independence Day to the Third of July in Honor of “Hamilton”
Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say
While early reports suggested the wildfire sweeping through Lehi and Saratoga Springs this past week was sparked by firework misuse, authorities now say that it was all a carefully controlled burn orchestrated by madly-in-love Hyrum Byer. Aerial photography aided the investigation as the message “Marry Me?” was etched through the burning brush of Traverse Mountain. Byer, 21 and newly engaged, said in an interview … Continue reading Lehi Fire Actually Just Elaborate Marriage Proposal, Authorities Say
AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary
According to latest reporting it appears that an AR-15 has won the Republican nomination for Governor of Utah. There is no historical precedent for inanimate objects running for governor, but that didn’t stop voters from choosing the Armalite firearm in overwhelming numbers. Election officials are as surprised as anyone at this development. “It’s never really happened this way before, but we’re very sure that we’ve … Continue reading AR-15 Unexpectedly Wins Utah Governor Republican Primary
BYU Remote Classes Will be Delivered Without the Use of Internet
Brigham Young University has recently announced a variety of online classes for the fall semester, but some professors are standing by their refusal to use technology. Since learning that they would not be able to teach in-person classes, a group of the most esteemed and senior professors have now released plans for remote classes that will not include technological usage. These plans include teaching through … Continue reading BYU Remote Classes Will be Delivered Without the Use of Internet