Category: Life

Campus, Life, News

CES Headmaster Clark Gilbert Sorts Professors Into 4 Houses Based on Orthodoxy, Saves BYU

This morning, LDS Church Commissioner of Education, Clark Griswold Gilbert took the stage at BYU’s 2025 graduation ceremony to remind everyone he went to Harvard and then give the commencement address.    In the address, Commissioner Gilbert reviewed all of the disruption that he’s innovated over his past four years in office before announcing that he will be the permanent commencement speaker at BYU graduations … Continue reading CES Headmaster Clark Gilbert Sorts Professors Into 4 Houses Based on Orthodoxy, Saves BYU

Lisa SimpsonLeave a comment
Campus, Featured, Life, Provo

Shocking! Gym Bro Disappointed When Thigh-Revealing Shorts Don’t Attract a Girlfriend.

Chad accepts the hard fact that girls don’t actually want to see him in 5” shorts.  As spring has sprung, the occurrences of men in short shorts have multiplied exponentially. Focused on showing off their gains from their “winter arcs,” gym bros across the Provo area have opted for shorter styles.  However, this new style hasn’t gotten the results that Chad, a local Vasa bro, … Continue reading Shocking! Gym Bro Disappointed When Thigh-Revealing Shorts Don’t Attract a Girlfriend.

Swedish ChefLeave a comment
Campus, Life

Helaman Halls Prank War Escalates, Hostages Taken

The tension started out small: a stolen couch here, a fire alarm pulled there. However, in recent days, open hostilities have broken out in Helaman Halls, resulting in multiple hostages taken from both buildings and metaphorical (and possibly literal) blood spilled. No peace agreement has, of yet, been brokered. “Those jerks in Merrill destroyed the pool table in the lobby!” Cole Lateral, high-ranking member of … Continue reading Helaman Halls Prank War Escalates, Hostages Taken

Kit Kittredge
Campus, Featured, Life

“Dead Learning Suite Theory” Suggests Everyone On LS Except You is a Bot

Campus conspiracy theorists have been abuzz lately over an unsettling new claim: that BYU’s Learning Suite tool, the staple of the university’s digital education endeavors, now consists solely of a complex network of AI bots. This would render every single interaction on the platform, from discussion boards to assignment feedback, meaningless and artificial, even more than they already were. The theory spawns from a series … Continue reading “Dead Learning Suite Theory” Suggests Everyone On LS Except You is a Bot

Basil Fawlty
Life

St. Patrick’s Day Rebranded to Celebrate Elder Kearon: “Patrick’s Day”

In late 2023, a new member of the Quorum of the Twelve was ordained: an Englishman who has quickly captured the minds, and especially the hearts, of many members of the Church. March 17th, a day that has traditionally celebrated the achievements of St. Patrick of Ireland, has been reworked this year to instead focus on a superior Patrick– namely, Patrick Kearon. “We felt that … Continue reading St. Patrick’s Day Rebranded to Celebrate Elder Kearon: “Patrick’s Day”

Kit Kittredge