Life

Student Misses When Insomnia Was Caused by Test Anxiety and Not Existential Dread

With more and more articles published about Coronavirus‘ toll on mental health, we decided to sit down with an anonymous BYU student and ask how they feel. Below is a transcript of the interview. Alt Universe: So, how have you been feeling recently? Student: Gosh, that’s a tough question. Like, what is recently? What day even is it? Is it July yet? Alt Universe: It’s … Continue reading Student Misses When Insomnia Was Caused by Test Anxiety and Not Existential Dread

Hugh Wei
News

JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

In a statement to the press, JC Penny’s confirmed that they have been closing stores for years to prepare for COVID-19; a move that has been described, by many business analysts, as the greatest game of 4D chess ever played. The statement reads: “At JC Penny’s we don’t make any business decisions without the guidance of Samantha Flair. Samantha is our local essential oils guru, … Continue reading JC Penny’s Announces They Have Been Closing Stores for Years to Prepare for COVID-19

James West
News

President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

An anonymous source from Church Headquarters Salt Lake City reports that President Nelson is in talks with the leader of the California Gulls.

These meetings are in response to multiple reports about murder hornets invading the United States. The hornets are known to decapitate bees and destroy entire colonies. The source from Church Headquarters says that President Nelson is particularly concerned about what the invasive hornets could do in “The Beehive State”. Continue reading President Nelson Hopes To Deploy Flocks of Seagulls to Defend Beehive State Against Murder Hornets

Liz Lemon