Historic! New Speed Record on Testing Center Midterm
Based on official reports out of the testing center, Brayzden Richards has set the record for the fastest midterm with a time of 22.1 seconds. He narrowly beat the previous record of 37 minutes. Brayzden Richards explained that he didn’t even look at the test, “I was completely unprepared, so I went in with ‘When in doubt, ‘C’ it out!’” It was a true/false exam. … Continue reading Historic! New Speed Record on Testing Center Midterm
Police Beat: Feb. 28-March 7
BYU: Theft Feb. 25 — A student’s innocence was reported stolen after attending an introductory biology class. Feb. 27 — The cryogenically frozen body of Wilford Woodruff was stolen from the Testing Center. Vandalism March 3 — Lipstick marks were found covering the Chief Massasoit statue. Suspicious Feb. 26 — A food science major was seen entering the Cannon Center. Animal problem March 2 — A report … Continue reading Police Beat: Feb. 28-March 7
Entire Campus Gets Duped By Mother Nature
After a week of 60-degree sunshine, Provo residents believed that winter was over and they could discard their gloves and long underwear and start playing spikeball again. Unfortunately, on Monday, Mother Nature struck with a frozen vengeance, confusing everyone. “This sucks,” says sophomore Jaxun Jackson. “I wore a t-shirt and shorts today and bam! It’s snowing. I mean, I probably would have worn that outfit … Continue reading Entire Campus Gets Duped By Mother Nature
Honor Code Office Employees Revealed to be Severed
A recent investigation into BYU’s Honor Code Office has confirmed what many have speculated for years—all lower-level employees have undergone the severance procedure. The severance procedure is a surgical operation that splits an employee’s work and personal memories into two distinct consciousnesses, essentially creating separate “work” and “personal” identities, preventing them from accessing information about their personal lives while at work and vice versa. This … Continue reading Honor Code Office Employees Revealed to be Severed
Wilkinson Center Sushi Turning Students Gay
In a shocking turn of events, several students have claimed that the sushi served in the Wilkinson Center has had unexpected effects on their identities. While the science behind this phenomenon is still unknown, it appears that consuming the sushi has been reported to “turn students gay.” What dish specifically? To nobody’s surprise, the California Roll. “I was just grabbing lunch before my Book of … Continue reading Wilkinson Center Sushi Turning Students Gay
