BYU Faces Outbreak of “Brigham Butt” From Campus Toilet Splash Back
A strain of what specialists are calling “Brigham Butt” is surging campus-wide, sparking concern over public restrooms and the severe toilet splash back when flushing. Infected students report symptoms of itchiness, burning sensations, unpleasant odor, and feelings of immense dread as the epidemic spreads. Mathematics major Derek Bottom described his experience: “I got Brigham Butt from the center stall in the Wilk. That … Continue reading BYU Faces Outbreak of “Brigham Butt” From Campus Toilet Splash Back
An Open Love Letter to the Daily Universe
Dear The Daily Universe, We haven’t always seen eye to eye. You’ve judged us for reporting the raw truth and we’ve judged you for fabricating your own. But we’re tired of fighting. We’re tired of running from our feelings. We’re not kids anymore, The Daily Universe. We’re student newspaper organizations now. And that means we have to take some responsibility. We’ve been around for nine … Continue reading An Open Love Letter to the Daily Universe
BYU Student Under Investigation By Honor Code Office For “Mancrush” On AJ Dybantsa
In light of recent drama within BYU athletics, it should come as no surprise that another scandal has been brewing in secret right here in Provo. Clay Baker, a finance student from springville Utah, is currently under investigation by the Honor Code Office after admitting to having a “mancrush” on BYU basketball star AJ Dybantsa. “The purity of our students is our utmost priority” says … Continue reading BYU Student Under Investigation By Honor Code Office For “Mancrush” On AJ Dybantsa
Man Claims He is Off the Market Purely by Choice
In this society, a man only has one choice: marry an 18-year-old girl during his first semester back from the mission, or join the manosphere. The choice is brutal, but the world is a dark place. No one knows this better than Benson Eubranks. When asked how he decided to take himself off the market, Eubranks replied, “To stay in a power position, I’ve decided … Continue reading Man Claims He is Off the Market Purely by Choice
Local Utahn Plagued After Praying for “Moisture” Instead of Rain
After what seemed a typical bedtime prayer, local Utahn John Henry, 65, accidentally cursed himself by praying for “moisture” instead of rain. “I’ve always prayed for moisture. It never even occurred to me that I could just pray for rain instead,” admitted Henry. “Apparently God got fed up with my requests.” Upon saying such a fateful prayer, Henry reported waking up in a cold sweat … Continue reading Local Utahn Plagued After Praying for “Moisture” Instead of Rain
