BYU to Build Brand New “Slut Asylum”
The rumors are true: BYU will be turning the Kimball basement into a slut asylum for all the impassioned boys and girls on campus. As journalists, we have made it our duty to answer your most pressing questions. How does one get into the Slut Asylum? -Kiss more than 3 people in your ward -Make out with someone for longer than 1 hour -Watch one … Continue reading BYU to Build Brand New “Slut Asylum”
HE’S COMING HOME: AJ Dybantsa Returns To BYU As Finance TA
In a shocking turn of events, AJ Dybantsa has forgone the NBA draft in favor of returning to BYU as a finance TA. Dybantsa posted the following on LinkedIn this morning: “My time at BYU is not done. NBA contracts might seem appealing, but I could make that money in a single summer selling pest control.” While many NBA fans mourn the decision, summer sales … Continue reading HE’S COMING HOME: AJ Dybantsa Returns To BYU As Finance TA
Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting
In a grotesque display of dishonesty and pride, local man Braxton Williams claimed over the pulpit during his testimony today to have watched every speaker in General Conference. During his testimony, which lasted 20 minutes, Braxton allegedly claimed, among other things, that he “enjoyed every single speaker last weekend,” a phrase which drew audible gasps from the congregation. “I knew he was lying when he … Continue reading Big Fat Liar Claims He Watched All of General Conference at Testimony Meeting
Artemis II Astronauts Get Lost on Way Back From Moon; End Up at Kolob
In an unpredicted turn of events, instead of returning to Earth as planned, the crew of the Artemis II ended up at Kolob, the star-planet from Mormon cosmology. NASA reassured the public to “not worry” and that “they’ll be back in the twinkling of an eye.” We had the unique opportunity to get on a call with the lost crew and interview them about their … Continue reading Artemis II Astronauts Get Lost on Way Back From Moon; End Up at Kolob
BYU Clarifies Honor Code to Allow “Beards” for Gay Students
In a beautiful display of consideration for the gay community at BYU, the HCO has updated the grooming standards to allow gay students to have a fake significant other of the opposite sex—otherwise known as a beard. “This whole time, I thought I wasn’t allowed to fake date my lesbian friend without a beard card,” said gay student John Gay. “I’m so glad we can … Continue reading BYU Clarifies Honor Code to Allow “Beards” for Gay Students
